The Pink Hippo in schools

The importance of teaching children about The Pink Hippo

Parents have the absolute right and duty to educate children in their own religion. Children are, after all, the property of their parents and Hippoist children are born as Hippoist children - the sooner they learn that the better.

Children are born evil without moral or religious values and these need to be drummed into them as early as possible.

If the values and beliefs of religion are not drummed into children at an early age there is the danger that they may become freethinking and enquiring - and, even worse, they may develop open minds.

As Hippoists it is our religious duty to prevent this at all costs.

Faith Schools in the name of The Pink Hippo

We cannot allow Hippoist children to go to schools where they mix with children whose parents have different faiths, or, horror of horrors, children of parents of no faith who provide their children with all the information they need to make up their own minds about religion.

Children must not be allowed to make up their own minds about Hippoism. They must learn that it is the one and only true religion and that all other religions are evil and all other gods are false.

The only way we can prevent Hippoist children being infected with other religions, or the extremes of freethinking, is to educate them in special Hippoist faith schools where we can indoctrinate them as we wish

Fortunately the UK has always had governments which fall over backwards to help religions - already over 30% of schools are faith schools and the number is growing daily - despite so-called public opinion polls showing that over 75% of people believe that faith schools are divisive - what do they know!

Taxpayers provide 100% of the funding

To get round the problems raised by such evil people as secularists, the state demands that religious groups should provide at least 10% of the cost of building a new school.

Fortunately this requirement is simply a PR trick to get the stupid secularists off their backs. The 10% contribution is towards bricks and mortar only - the state pays for everything within the school - including the plumbing and wiring if you play your cards right and have a good Hippoist lawyer negotiating the contract. Government civil servants are particularly useless at negotiating commercial contracts - running businesses is not what they are trained for - thank goodness!

After the school is physically built, the state pays 100% of all future costs - maintenance, staff, equipment, books, pencils, toilet paper - everything!

We are still left with paying 10% towards the bricks and mortar.

The government has stepped in to help with this. Their Public Finance Intiative (PFI) means:

  • The full capital value of the school belongs to the sponsor - us in this case. So, for a £30 million school we invest £3 million and acquire an asset worth £30 million!

    We know that this is hard to believe, and even we had to read the not-so-small print twice before we believed it - but the government is determined to make life easy for people like us - "people of faith".

  • With a £30 million asset under your belt, it is extremely easy to go to a bank and borrow £3 million - in fact they would be happy to loan over £15 million - but we don't need that - do we?
  • We don't have to pay our 10% until the school is up and running. In fact, there are many cases where sponsors never pay a penny - a carefully-worded contract means that the trigger point for payment of the 10% can never be reached. Thank goodness for devious Hippoist lawyers!

So, it makes a pleasant change to say "thank you" - but that is exactly what we should do to thank a government which pulls out all the stops to encourage us to indoctrinate children in any way we wish at absolutely no cost to ourselves - all paid for by the taxpayer.

The irony of all this is, of course, that the government is falling over backwards to help us "people of faith" and we can use their money (well, taxpayers' money) to set up schools where we indoctrinate children against the government so that they can eventually seize power (as required by our holy books) and turn the state into one controlled exclusively by Hippoism - and they don't even see us coming!

Wonderful! The Pink Hippo moves in mysterious but powerful ways and has blinded the government to the ultimate consequences of its actions!

The secularists may see us coming - but they will all be executed when we take power anyway - so what do they matter!

Thank you government!

Material for use in RE lessons

We have a full range of educational material to go into those schools not run by ourselves.

We can, of course, force such schools to use our material because they are supposed to provide a "balanced" view of religion - a problem we don't have in our own faith schools.

Again, the government has made life easy for us so the chances of converting children to Hippoism are getting better every day.

Thank you government!

Acts of corporate worship to The Pink Hippo

Obviously children in our faith schools worship the Pink Hippo at least three times during every school day.

We do not have to pay lip service to other religions, or to other so-called belief systems ("Humanism"? Don't make us laugh - they will rot in hell all of them!) so we can be totally honest during our acts of worship - we can explain to children that all other religions are evil, all other gods are false and all non-believers should be killed. That's what our holy books say - so that's what we do - and the law encourages us to do so.

Thank you government!

An open letter to schools

Dear Sir or Madam

A request for balance in the teaching of Science

We are concerned that the teaching of Intelligent Design is gradually spreading across the Atlantic from the USA. I am sure you will agree that pupils should be able to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them.

We believe that the universe was created by The Pink Hippo. It was She who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence put in place by Her.

We therefore formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your school. Should you be unwilling to do this, and should you continue to teach the concept of Intelligent Design, we will be forced to take legal action. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

We have evidence that The Pink Hippo created the universe. Obviously we were not there at the time but we have several lengthy volumes, in the form of The Book of The Pink Hippo, explaining all details of Her power.

We share our belief with over 10 million others and our numbers are growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What they do not understand is that She built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is.

For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artefact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artefact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realise is that every time he makes a measurement, the Pink Hippo is there changing the results with Her divine power. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why She does this. She is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

We are sure that you understand how important it is for your pupils to be taught this alternate theory. It is vital that they realise that observable evidence is at the discretion of The Pink Hippo.

We will be happy to train you and your colleagues in our theory so that you may pass on the Truth of The Pink Hippo to your pupils.

We look forward to a time when science lessons can be divided into three equal parts: one relating to Intelligent Design, one relating to the Pink Hippo and one to an incorrect rational understanding of the universe based on open-mindedness, logic, scientific observation and scientific experiment.

Yours sincerely