The Holy Books of The Pink Hippo
There are two holy books of Hippoism:
- "The Holy Book of The Pink Hippo"
This contains the original words of The Pink Hippo as written by Her nose on the rocks of the earth at the time of creation.
- "The Revealed Truth" or "Revelations of The Pink Hippo"
This contains the words of The Pink Hippo as revealed to The Messenger during his time on earth between 1376 and 1381.
Both books are available from our Merchandise page.
The Holy Book of The Pink Hippo was assembled by the Council of Ilkeston in the 3rd century AM (After The Messenger). It relies heavily on verbal records of the presence of The Messenger and on the written and verbal records of mankind for the 4,000 years BM (Before The Messenger).
Unfortunately there were no documents written by anyone who actually met The Messenger and none of the documents written afterwards survive (stones have been broken and papyrus is susceptible to damp, drying out and infestation by paper beetles) but we are fortunate to have copies made over the centuries and since translated from their original pictorial form.
In the beginning mankind was without language and the written word of The Pink Hippo is recorded in the simplest of all possible ways: by stories in the form of drawings.
The extracts below
The extracts below are from "The Holy Book of The Pink Hippo" as translated by the 19th century Church of The Pink Hippo at Ripley.
The Book of Creation
- In the beginning was The Pink Hippo who needed neither cause nor design because She was then and forever shall be.
- In the beginning was void and darkness.
- In the beginning The Pink Hippo was alone in the void and darkness.
- The Pink Hippo embodied love, hate, fear and all the emotions.
- The Pink Hippo no longer wished to be alone and craved to be worshipped.
- The Pink Hippo said: "Be! Let the Universe be formed in all its complexity."
- And the Universe was not, then was - formed in an instant, in all its complexity.
- And the galaxies, stars, black holes, planets, asteroids and rocks that make up the Universe were created in an instant.
- And the molecules, atoms and particles that make up all things were created in an instant.
- And on the Earth the animals and plants appeared in their final form.
- And on the Earth mankind appeared in his final form.
- The Pink Hippo said: "Let mankind have things of interest so that he may be aware of the power of The Pink Hippo."
- And the geological layers and formations were laid down in an instant.
- And the fossils were created and embedded within the geological layers in an instant.
- And evidence of ancient peoples and civilisations was created and buried in an instant.
- And the galaxies were made to appear to be moving outwards from a point of origin in an instant.
The Book of Rules
- In the beginning mankind was without knowledge and without rules to order his life.
- The Pink Hippo pressed Her nose against the rocks of the Earth and recorded the date of Her creation of the Universe.
- And the Pink Hippo thereon inscribed The Rules of Life for all mankind to see.
- And The Rules of Life are these:
- You shall recognise The Pink Hippo as your creator and designer - and you shall recognise no other for fear of the vengeance of The Pink Hippo.
- You shall dedicate the largest share of your waking life to worshipping The Pink Hippo.
- You shall create images of The Pink Hippo wherever you can and you shall worship those images as if they were themselves The Pink Hippo.
- You shall teach all children from the age of three to believe in The Pink Hippo - and you shall allow no alternative to be taught.
- You shall chastise and brutally punish any child who questions the existence and works of The Pink Hippo.
- You shall cast out any child who, despite punishment, continues to question the existence and works of The Pink Hippo.
- You shall treat all men as equals except those whose hair is red.
- You shall not kill except those who deny The Pink Hippo or those who sleep with the animals of the sea.
- You shall neither lend nor borrow with interest nor shall you gamble that which is given unto you by The Pink Hippo.
- You shall not steal unless to build churches to The Pink Hippo.
- You shall render four fifths of your income to those who preach in the name of The Pink Hippo.
- You shall not question your status in life.
- You shall obey those richer and more powerful than yourself for The Pink Hippo has set them in dominion over you.
- You shall not trespass on the land of the rich and powerful for it is given unto them by The Pink Hippo.
- You shall enjoy yourself in any way you wish as long as you do not engage in logic or rational thought.
- You shall slay those who investigate the world with scientific method for they may bring into doubt the creation of the Universe by The Pink Hippo
- You shall not attempt to overcome disasters, disease and pestilence - or challenge the works and whims of The Pink Hippo.
- If you break these rules The Pink Hippo will be angry and vengeful and will kill every fourth living thing - and the innocent shall die with the guilty.
- If you obey these rules you will live with The Pink Hippo for eternity.
- If you die not believing in The Pink Hippo you will be caste into a fiery cauldron and boiled in screaming agony for eternity.
- And The Pink Hippo shall watch over you to ensure that you follow The Rules and when the day comes that The Rules are not obeyed, and there is a time of great plagues and unrest, She shall send her own representative to preach the true meaning of The Rules so that all may follow in the light of The Pink Hippo.
The Book of Temptation
- And it came to pass when mankind had lived on the Earth for 2,000 years that The Pink Hippo decided to test his faith.
- And there was, living in the land of Erewash, a man named Claud.
- And Claud was a good man with a deep and profound faith in The Pink Hippo.
- And The Pink Hippo saw Claud as the ideal subject to be tested.
- And Claud had 3 children by his concubine Mavis.
- And his children were Doris, Andrew and Emily.
- And The Pink Hippo spoke unto Claud in his dreams saying:
- "Claud, you must prove your love for me. You shall take you daughter Emily and bring her to the place known as Alport Heights. You shall have with you a knife and when you come upon the stone that I shall place on the heights, you shall lay Emily down and slit her throat for by so doing you shall prove your love for me."
- And Claud told Mavis of his dream - and Mavis cried and tore her hair with rage at the idea of killing one of her children.
- And Claud smote Mavis in the face, knocked her to the ground and would not hear her complaints but instead took up his knife, bound Emily by hand and foot, placed her across his donkey and proceeded to Alport Heights.
- And Claud saw the stone that had been described by The Pink Hippo.
- And Claud laid Emily down on the stone, drew his knife and brought it close to the throat of his daughter.
- And at that time he heard a great laughing and from the bushes appeared two of his closest friends: Brian and Rodney.
- And Brian and Rodney were splitting their sides laughing and they spoke unto Claud saying:
- "We got you there Claud. We stood at your window and whispered to you as you slept and we pretended that we were The Pink Hippo. You've been had youth!"
- And Claud took up his knife and slew both Brian and Rodney.
- And Claud turned his face to the heavens saying:
- "Oh lord, I have been tempted and I have proved my love for you. I have slain both my friends for they acted out of jest and took your name in vain. I am now glad that my daughter Emily will dwell in my house forever more."
- And The Pink Hippo sent down a ball of lightning which struck Emily on the stone where she lay and turned her body to cinders.
- And The Pink Hippo spoke until Claud and said:
- "You have failed Claud for it was I who put the idea into the minds of your friends and it was I who asked you to sacrifice your daughter. You have failed my test and you will spend forever screaming in agony in a vat of boiling lard."
- And so go all who fail to obey the whims of The Pink Hippo.
The Book of The Result
- And mankind lived in fear of punishment by The Pink Hippo.
- And belief in the love of The Pink Hippo brought meaning to the lives of the emotionally challenged.
- And the intellectually challenged worshipped The Pink Hippo because they had closed minds and were incapable of rational and logical thought.
- And The Pink Hippo played with mankind by visiting random death and disaster on it.
- And The Pink Hippo created groups within those who believed in Her.
- And The Pink Hippo encouraged those groups to interpret Her words in different ways.
- And The Pink Hippo encouraged those groups to turn one against the other.
- And The Pink Hippo encouraged those groups to develop weapons of mass destruction so that they might destroy other groups who believed in Her.
- And The Pink Hippo encouraged the strong to become stronger and allowed the weak to become weaker.
- And The Pink Hippo encouraged the strong to steal the Earth's resources that were originally given to the weak.
- And the strong were encouraged and they built more and more weapons and subjugated more and more peoples.
- And the strong became arrogant and they would tolerate no opposition and there was a great slaying of those they disagreed with.
- And the peoples of the Earth wept at the death and destruction brought about by those who believed in The Pink Hippo.
The Book of The End-Times
- And it shall come to pass that in the year 1608 there shall come a great inundation of waters to destroy those who fish for the young of the snake of the seas and rivers of the South West of Britain for they have failed to worship The Pink Hippo.
- And it shall come to pass that 310 years after this great flood in the year 1918 there shall come a great death by sneezing and fever that shall destroy millions throughout the world for they have taken up arms and destroyed one another without the consent of The Pink Hippo.
- And if shall come to pass some 90 years after the great fever in the year 2008 that the usurers who built their temple on the Rock of the North shall suffer a great collapse and the people shall tear their hair as the leaders of the land praise them and give great riches to those who have failed in their responsibilities and disobeyed the Rules of The Pink Hippo.
- And it shall come to pass soon after the failure on the Rock of the North - in the 8th hour of the 8th day of the 8th month of the 8th year some 90 years after the great fever - that the heavens shall open and the rays of the sun shall cause such great heat that the frozen lands of the North will be warmed and the waters will destroy millions who have forgotten the words of The Pink Hippo.
- And it shall come to pass that the leader of one of the great nations of the earth, a man who claims direct contact with his god, shall call upon the peasants and farmers of his land to no longer grew the crops that sustain mankind but shall instead grow crops to fed the greedy innards of the metal beasts that spew forth flame and smoke from their rear ends - thus causing yet more of the great warming.
- And the great warming shall mark the beginning of the end-times when the world will be suffer great starvation as the nations of the Earth fight one another for the resources that they have destroyed through their greed.
- And there shall go about the lands a man of a false religion, one who has already led his nation into illegal war, and he shall claim to solve all the problems of the world in his travels from nation to nation in the name of his false god. The arrogance of this man, and of those who put there faith in him instead of in The Pink Hippo, shall bring about the final ending of time for The Pink Hippo is tired of such arrogance and welcomes a return to the calm and silence of an empty Universe.
Notes of interpretation concerning the End-Times
- Such a flood did indeed strike the coast around the Bristol Channel in 1608 flooding inland as far as Glastonbury. The "snake of the seas and rivers" is assumed to be the Eel - and Elvers are still fished for during each spring tide on the River Severn.
- More people died from the outbreak of Asian Flu in 1918 than died in the first world war.
- The "temple of the Rock of the North" is assumed to be Northern Rock - The Pink Hippo specifically forbids lending money at interest.
- The "great warming" is assumed to refer to man-made global warming.
- The agricultural policy changes that led to increased production of vegetable matter for fuel, as well as the growth of Third World economies, brought about a shortage of food whereas previously there had been mountains of food that had to be destroyed. The puppet Bush, and the puppet-master Cheney, were used by major corporations to bring about this change
- The riots in the streets have already begun.
- The man of false religion is, of course, Tony Blair. It is understandable why The Pink Hippo may wish to take this final decision.