May The Pink Hippo bless you and may the grass grow long and damp to speed your path through life

Franchise opportunities with The Church of The Pink Hippo

Both Churches of The Pink Hippo (Literalist and Interpretist) operate on a franchise basis and this presents enormous opportunities for those whose heart is set on the priesthood.

An outline of the franchise arrangements

  • Franchisees must be male - women were given to men by The Pink Hippo and shall have no place in the organisation of Her Church.
  • Franchisees pay an up-front, one-off payment to the Church for the exclusive rights to preach in a specific area.
  • The initial fee is based on the number of potential souls in the area and is on a declining sliding scale depending on volume.
  • Franchisees pay a monthly fee based on the number attending their church.
  • Franchisees must meet a minimum monthly target based on the number of potential souls in the area.
  • Failure to meet targets, or to pay fees, shall result in immediate termination of the franchise with no refund.
  • Franchisees may charge church members whatever subscription they see fit.
  • Subscriptions over and above the value of the monthly fee shall be become the personal property of the franchisee.
  • Franchisees and their Sheep shall be responsible for the erection of a suitable church or meeting hall within their area.
  • Franchisees shall attend a two week course at The Seminary of The Pink Hippo and shall become recognised Priests of The Pink Hippo with all the right that entails - including the right to multiple wives and concubines.

An example of a small franchise

This example is based on the following assumptions about a very small franchise:

  • The area contains only 5,000 potential converts - "souls".
  • The central Church ("the franchisor") charges 6 per soul as the up-front, one-off payment due from the franchisee.
  • The franchisee charges each converted soul 5% of their income as a subscription.
  • The franchisee manages to gain and keep 400 souls as "Sheep."
  • The franchisor charges a monthly fee of 25 per Sheep.

The result is that the franchisee has an annual income of 280,000 after paying the monthly fee to the franchiser.

Note: these calculations do not include any mortgage or leasing payments that the franchisee may make for a meeting hall or Church building. Many of our franchisees save these costs by running "virtual" Churches and broadcasting their meetings and services live on the Internet.

Please contact us for a copy of the spreadsheet so that you may carry out calculations for any area you may be interested in.

Testimonials

These unsolicited testimonials have been sent in by those who have become franchisees.

Mr Arthur Prufrock of Church Gresley:

"This was the best thing I ever did. I invested my redundancy money in the franchise, attended The Pink Hippo Seminary for the two week course on becoming a Priest of The Pink Hippo and started my mission."

"In less than six months I have recruited 427 Sheep and I charge them 10% of their earnings as a subscription to the Church. After paying the monthly franchise fee, and meeting the mortgage payments on the new Church we are building, I am left with a very healthy sum in my wallet!"

"My plan for the next year is to increase the number of Sheep to over 1,000 and increase the subscription to 15% of earnings. I now have my eye on a very nice yacht currently berthed in Rhodes! Apart from the financial side, the right to concubines has proved very stimulating - I am having great difficulty keeping up with the antics of some of the younger female Sheep!"

"This beats working for a living any day!"

Mr David Singleton of Little Snoring By The Sea:

"I cleared 170,655 in my first year and I could now bonk for England - 'nuff said!"

Mr Tristram Selby of Canterbury:

"I would not have believed that people would go for this stuff! I wish I had got into it a lot earlier."

"For a relatively modest initial investment I have the exclusive rights to the central Canterbury area - an area that has already been primed by other religions which are rapidly falling by the wayside. This has left me with huge potential in terms of the numbers of intellectually and emotionally challenged souls. The brilliant two week course at The Seminary of The Pink Hippo showed me exactly how to go about exploiting it."

"I have been so busy recruiting and collecting subscriptions that I have been forced to recruit a member of The Sheep as a sub-priest (currently working voluntarily on "work experience" but I may put him on a small stipend next year) to deal with the hands-on religious and emotional stuff while I look after the financial side."

"I didn't bother with the multiple-wives bit - life is too short for all the hassle. However, the right to concubines has been great - I can just take them when I feel the urge and avoid all the time-wasting responsibilities of marriage."

"At the rate we are growing I don't see any problem getting at least 5,000 sheep within the next two years - and early retirement to the 200 acre estate I recently bought in Spain looks well on the cards!"

 
 
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